Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
