last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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