Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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