It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
