she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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