Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
