Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
