Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize