watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
