She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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