I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
