You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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