I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
