What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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