oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
