what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
