What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
