Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
