i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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