I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
