I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
