the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
last night I used snow as a chaser
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
