At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
