If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
