My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
