Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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