I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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