My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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