it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
