whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
