I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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