Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
