That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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