1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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