I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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