Duck Duck Cougar?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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