You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
