1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
