i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
