also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
third nipple confirmed
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
