I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
