the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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