his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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