i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
