The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
