Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
