His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
