My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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