So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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