just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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