I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize