Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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