I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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